WHEN: 8:40pm EST, March 2nd, 2013

WHERE: In my apartment in Portland, ME

FORMAT:  Blu-Ray on a Vizio 47″ LCD HDTV

COMPANY: Cinemanaut Bill and my roommate Ben.

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Still distracted and having difficulty focusing on the film.

INDUSTRIAL ESPIONAGE:

There exists a facility, all but inaccessible, where wonders are being created. Wonders which could not only give great joy to the world’s children, but which could provide wealth untold to whoever possesses them. No competitors have succeeded in keeping up with the inventions and discoveries that this facility has been able to produce. The agent of one of these competitors approaches a man voraciously dining. He has an offer. If the diner can successfully extract a sample from the facility, the monetary reward would be exorbitant.

No, I’m not talking about Lewis Dodgson. I’m talking about Mr. Slugworth from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

slugworth and dodgson

At least Gloop has the decency not to deface anyone’s pie.

During this viewing, Bill posed the question of whether it was possible that Dodgson was pulling a Slugworth, i.e. pretending to work for a competitor in order to test someone’s moral fiber. I’ll get back to my thoughts on that a little later. The comment inspired me to take a look at the similarities between Jurassic Park and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Why would I do this? I think the answer is obvious. In order to make awful MS Paint images like the following:

WELCOME TO THE WORLD I’VE CREATED:

Hammond Wonka

Hammond and Wonka are eerily similar. They are both rich elderly gentlemen who have built fantastic facilities full of wonders designed, in Hammond’s words, to “drive kids out of their minds.” They both saunter around with fancy canes (though Wonka doesn’t seem to need his) and their facilities both have alarmingly poor safety precautions (though Wonka doesn’t seem to give two shits).

They both have a flair for the dramatic, particularly when it comes to their entrances:

gates

I bet you thought I was referring to that thing Wonka does when he pretends to lose his cane and does a little flippy-do…

For the very first time, something special is about to happen. Guests are going to be brought in to see the making of the chocolate/dinosaurs. A fantastic tour will be conducted…

loompa genetics

Something like this, I imagine.

But things are not going to end well…

APPROPRIATE PUNISHMENTS:

As we all know, four out of five children who visit Wonka’s factory suffer horrible accidents. What separates these misfortunes from Jurassic Park’s similarly high casualty rate is that the children at Wonka’s suffer because of their own undesirable habits. Jurassic Park was designed to be safe, things just got out of control. Wonka, on the other hand, uses clever traps to cull over-eaters, gum-chewers, brats, and couch potatoes from his herd of potential factory inheritors.

lineup

Creepy as this graphic is, it isn’t creepy enough to accurately reflect Wonka’s horrible reality.

But are the deaths in Jurassic Park really so random?

Is there, for example, a worse habit than leaving two children alone in a SUV with a dinosaur running loose?

umpalumpa gennaro

“Oompa Loompa, Doompadee Doo, now’s not a great time for taking a poo…”

And, all things considered, chewing gum isn’t so bad, when compared to stealing priceless embryos from your employer…

umpalumpa nedry

“What do you get when you steal from the man, hiding your goods in a Barbasol can…”

Here’s where things fall apart. Muldoon and Arnold don’t have any major marks against them, yet are brutally killed anyway.

wonka arnoldmuldoon

Perhaps Wonka and Hammond are the type of people who don’t really need a reason to kill.

The only good option is to get the hell off that island.

glass elivator

Before he decides to clone some Vermicious Knids.

RETURNING TO SLUGWORTH:

Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh yes, Dodgson as a Slugworth-esque double agent. I don’t see any real evidence for it. Do you remember that scene where Hammond takes Nedry on a frightening boat ride and an image of Dodgson flashes onto the walls? No, neither do I. Hammond could have stocked the freezer with fake embryos and planned some sort of “ah ha, I caught you, you can’t be trusted” type of thing, but it really doesn’t seem to fit his character. The whole idea, while interesting, is quite silly.

So… that’s all. I hope you weren’t looking for a ground-shattering analysis of the differences between the inherent goodness of candy vs. the inherent evil of dinosaurs, or something. I kind of just felt like making a bunch of dumb MS Paint pictures. Really, I was taking a page out of Wonka’s book…

half office

I spared half the expense.