WHERE: In the living room of my apartment in Portland, ME (Isla Nublar)

FORMAT: Blu-Ray on a Vizio 32″ LED HDTV

COMPANY: None.

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Thinkin’ ’bout love, very excited to be watching Blu-Ray again after some lesser formats.

The lesson for this viewing is don’t Google until the movie is over. My plan was to take notes on the two primary love stories in Back to the Future, because Valentine’s Day is something, but that all went out the window over three very pesky questions I had. I made the mistake of quickly looking up the answer to one of these queries on my phone. Ladies and gentlemen, I will now take you on a journey through these questions three, and you will see exactly how information on a movie can ruin your entire experience of it. We’ll save the juicy one for last, but trust me, it’s a mindblower with a capital “BLOW.”

Yeah, like mouth sex. Wait for it.

QUESTION #1: Why are Hill Valley’s two movie theaters so close to each other?

More of a rhetorical question, it nevertheless bothered me. In 1955 Hill Valley, you have two options for seeing a movie. You can head over to the Essex and catch Cattle Queen of Montana

…or if you’re feeling in more of a science fiction mood, you can check out The Atomic Kid at the Town.

As long as some hooligans aren’t doing science in front of it.

Having two movie theaters in a city is logical. Having two movie theaters in a small town is improbable. Having two movie theaters that you can see from one street corner? We’re in Starbucks joke territory. The two are a few yards away from each other. Maybe this poor business decision is what led the Town to go under and be converted into a church.

Of course, the Essex isn’t doing so hot in 1985 either, but a porno theater is still a theater, so they come out the winner.

Well, not according to the guy who has to mop the floors.

QUESTION #2: Is “freelance scientist” a legitimate, well-paying career option?

The side of Doc’s bitchin’ Science Truck proudly proclaims “24 Hr. Scientific Services.”

And in 1955, he lists himself in the phone book as a scientist.

Though he also misspells his own name, so how smart can he be?

This made me wonder: are we supposed to view Doc as just some kook who thinks you can sell hypothesis-testing door-to-door, or is there really some money in offering up your “scientific services”?

“I’m particularly skilled in biological sciences.” *wink wink*

Googling “scientific services” (after the movie, though we’re getting to that one) yielded some interesting results. I found a company actually called Scientific Services S/D, Inc., which specializes in testing detergents and cleaners. In case you were wondering, they can provide “a wide assortment of soiled and stained fabrics.” They’re an NFIB member, so this seems like a legitimate small business. Still, it’s an entire laboratory specialized in one area of expertise, not a guy willing to strap his dog into whatever branch of science you had in mind.

I also found Scientific Services Plus, offering installation and maintenance of scientific equipment. That seems handy and profitable, but I’m looking for somebody to weigh, time, and compare junk around my house until a conclusion is reached. Basically, if Cinema 52 wanted a few clipboard-packin’ geeks in goggles to study us during this experiment, where would we get them that isn’t Craigslist?

Oh, wait, yeah, I’ll try Maine Craigslist. Setting the drop-down to “services” and searching for “science” showed me page after page of tudors, and “scientific” brought me a diet scam and an English teacher who hasn’t yet grasped which field of study he’s a part of.

*sigh* Looks like I’ll never meet a real Doc Brown.

Or be gutted by a fake Doc Brown.

Alright, one last attempt: “freelance scientist.” This brings us to freelancingscience.com, a blog set up by an assistant professor named Paweł Szczęsny, whose last post is from 2010 and redirects you to his new site. He does not have his Ph.D., which automatically demotes him from “Doc Brown” to “Brown,” but in one post he claims: “I’m neither a genius nor a big shot but I have bunch of ideas I consider cool and which I’d like to get funded.” As a writing major, I was previously unaware that science majors can also sound sad. Unfortunately, it looks like he’s based out of Lithuania, so I’m not having him over for tea and talk of flux capacitors any time soon. Especially because he’s an experimental biologist.

Speaking of the sexiest of sciences, let’s move to the big finale…

QUESTION #3: Is Orgy American Style an actual porno?

Alright, guys, turn around now if you don’t want Back to the Future ruined for you. Or sex. I mean it.

Okay, still with me? Thinking happy thoughts? You might want a few on back-up for what I’m about to tell you.

There’s still time to walk away from this article and rent Cattle Queen of Montana.

So the Essex, Hill Valley’s aforementioned theater, is only showing skin flicks by 1985. One of these blue movies is apparently called Orgy American Style. I assumed this was just a joke for most of my life, and I vaguely remember Bob Gale and Neil Canton having a good laugh about it on the commentary, but I discovered a shocking truth when I attempted a speedy Googling mid-viewing.

Not only is Orgy American Style a very real porno movie, but (according to Futurepedia) one of the actors in it is George “Buck” Flower, who you may recognize later in Back to the Future as Red the bum.

Aaaaand PICTURE THIS GUY LICKING BUTTHOLES RIGHT NOW.

Yes. It’s okay. Feel the feelings.

Finished? No? That’s normal, I’ll continue anyway. Since Futurepedia is part of the Wiki way of informing people, I couldn’t just trust them flat out. So I dug around the web. I found these two sketchy-looking pages claiming that Red is in the film, but Orgy American Style isn’t even listed on IMDb. However, George “Buck” Flower’s profile page does list off several porno films he “acted” in, so we can at least confirm he shared screen time with naked people.

SO IT’S COMPLETELY SAFE TO PICTURE THIS MAN IN FULL-ON D.P. MODE.

What makes this hunt even more difficult is the fact that porn stars and nudie flicks change their names all the time, so Orgy American Style could have been a completely different movie that’s been retitled. Luckily, I did manage to track down this poster for it.

If you look at it full-size, you may notice a rather familiar-sounding name: BUCK LAFLEUR.

Is that him? Did I do it? Mission accomplished?

No. I cannot accept this.

I vow, dear readers, on this day, that I will not help spread this Hollywood myth until I have seen George “Buck” Flower in Orgy American Style with my own two eyes.

And then I will gouge them out.

If you can get your hands on a copy of Orgy American Style, contact Cinemanaut Bill via bill@cinema52.com or on Twitter @BillGrayHaHaHa.